ghost-town

The panic attacks have abated. In fact, they've gone.

Now, it's essential to remove the phobias which have created this.

Bedford to Flitwick didn't happen.

Flitwick to Bedford to Flitwick to Bedford to Flitwick to Bedford did though.

It was easy.

However, trying this again a couple of days ago, I exposed the underlying phobias which created

thefirst panic attack.

I'm going to have these things removed from me starting this week.

When they're gone, they won't come back.

Then we can keep the right profile all the time.

The de-realization has abated.

Things don't seem surreal or dream-like anymore.

I've got so much built up anxiety + now is the time to remove this.

I only wish I'd done this such a long time ago.

So how am I?

I mean, things are making sense again now.

I am James.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be a photojournalist.
I want to see my friends.
I want to see the world.
I want to photograph the world.
I want to be able to drive.
I want to be able to go anywhere I desire.
I want to live in London.
I want to live in Paris.
I want to live in Rome.
I want to live by the sea.
I want to live.
I want to have children. I want to see them.
I want to make the world brighter each morning.
I've felt utter despair.
I don't need to, + probably won't, end up back there again.

The next few months could be the hardest of my entire life.

I need to change so many things.

I need to change my diet drastically.
I need to change my exercise habits.
I need to change my sleeping patterns.
I want to stop smoking + will do so soon.
I need to focus.

Panic disorder created so many negative thoughts.
Most of them, if not all of them have disappeared.
I have to consciously try to remember what I was thinking at the time.

It's actually a lot harder than you'd think. Trying to remember a really bad habit from only a few

weeks ago.

The world is opening up again, + soon I will go home.

In a year, I'll be moving back to London. Healthier than ever before.

I want to crash out by the river with my iPod on, totally free of fear + worry + anxiety, with

only a melody in my head, with the sun belting down on my convalescing body, my soul immersed in

love.

Only I have the power now to sort this out.

I am still alive.
I am not beyond repair.
The physical problems will heal themselves quickly if I put the right things into place.

Soon, this life sentence of anti-acids + anti-spasmodics + multi-vitamins will come to an end.

I'll be able to go anywhere + do anything I desire.

I am confident now that this will soon be all over.

No more 'why me' syndrome.

Self-perpetuation is not the answer.

To take your own problems + never deal with them is not the answer.

I can see myself healed, at my grandmother's house, eating a meal late at night in the not too

distant future.

I can see there is light at the end of the tunnel, + although the tunnel is still incredibly long,

there is hope.

Life is a question of hope, caring + positive change. Without that, you're fucked.

Once you see the problem, you can eradicate it.

I created this myself. I chose to allow this to happen. I remember allowing myself to have the first one.

I will destroy this.

Whatever I create, I can destroy.

I thought it was about mending something that had broken. No. This has been habit. The habit has been created, therefore it can be destroyed.

I am the only person in the world with the power to destroy all my panic.

I will be sat on a train in 9 hours. I will ride a few stops. I can do it.

I will be getting further away from my comfort zone which ends somewhere near the back of Ampthill.

Step One. Bedford to Flitwick.

If I feel the panic coming, I will destroy it.

There is no panic. It is fear of fear. Remove the fear + there is no panic. Indefinitely.

I don't know if it will be easy. I don't know if it will be a nightmare.

In essence, there are a few things I already know from panic which I do not need to fear.

1. I will not die.
2. I will not pass out.

My head might want to make me think that something bad is around the corner.

No. I refuse to allow this. If I feel it coming, I will control it. I will shape the fear into the worst panic attack I could possibly imagine.

I am ready for this.

Then we laugh it off.

Transcend the fear. Control, mould + shape it how I wish. Destroy it at its beginnings.

My head cannot hold me prisoner anymore.

I've red + been told so much rubbish about panic, it's been difficult to focus.

In the last few days, I've become optimistic. Yesterday, 'when I am fixed'. This morning; 'soon', this afternoon; 'next week', now: tomorrow.

I will get on a train tomorrow.

Step one. However bad it's been, that's as bad as it ever got.

No, I'm not mad, but this truly is all in the head.

I've been living with panic disorder 10 months, but as of today, I no longer suffer from it.

This panic is not determined by taste, touch, smell or sight. It is not relative to situation, location or isolation. It is not dictated by any extraneous factor.

My panic was of my own making.

I am no longer going to empower these panic attacks. They have no more concern. I am looking forward to the next one, whereupon I will destroy it at its very roots.

I am going to London on Saturday, free from any kind of drugs or intoxicants which would prevent me from feeling anything.

No longer empty + frantic, like a cat tied to a stick.